We’re now in week six of our journey through a book called The Ways of The Alongsider: Growing Disciples Life2Life by Bill Mowry. The idea of an Alongsider might be an uncommon thought to some of us, but Bill does a great job detailing at the outset of the book. Then as we moved deeper into our understanding of what an Alongsider was we hit three topics of great importance to discipleship: A Way of Life, Intentionality, A Life of Prayer, and last week we talked about Relationships.
Today we want to take that same idea of relational living from our last post and go a bit deeper. The concept of depth is visible in the way Jesus interact with the men and women of the bible. Countless times Jesus would jump right past the pleasantries and dive into the deeper issues at hand. In order to go deep with people, Jesus started where they were. He met their felt needs. He healed them, fed them, comforted them. Whatever was so blinding to them, he met that need first. But quickly and methodically he moved to the deeper, underlying issues.
Jesus did it without agenda. He was real or authentic. When we mirror this lifestyle approach, living authentically, those around us will allow us to enter into those deeper moments of their lives. We’ll be the ones they call in the middle of the night when the world starts spinning in the wrong direction. When the children are sick, the parent dies, the spouse is in an accident, the pink slip is handed out at work…they will remember you. Not because you preached at them but because you were real with them.
There are said to be several different styles and levels of communication. The Alongsider book uses 5 distinct levels of depth to our conversations. The first two levels are pretty superficial: cliché and information. These are pretty easy to understand and identify so we won’t spend time here.
Communication level three takes us to a new place. We’re used to the simple Hey what’s up? To which we expect no answer. Level three is different. In this level, we’re starting to share more personal things, the kind of stuff you can’t find in a quick google search. This is where we start talking about judgments and values. This is where we share our ideas and to an extent our dreams. We’re still a bit guarded here as we wait for reactions and look for facial expressions to change, but communication is deepening.
The fourth level of communication is that of feelings and emotions. We rarely will share our feelings with just anyone. It takes trust and that’s exactly what this level of communication demonstrates. Our feelings are the things that drive our judgments and values. When we get to this depth of communication we know that real life is being shared.
Few of our relationships will ever get to the final level of communication as most relationships just can’t sustain this depth of conversation. The most authentic communication is in this section called peak communication. This is marked by complete openness and vulnerability. You hide nothing in this relationship. This communication is powerful as we’re inviting others into the dark places in our lives asking for help. We share here the things that others just don’t know about us.
There are many road blocks to this authentic and real communication but it should be our goal to constantly model a deeper level of communication as we seek to grow the relationship. A word of caution however, don’t overdo it. Don’t try to jump from Hey, how’s your day? to Let me share with you my failures as a father. You just can’t go that fast. Don’t force it because that’s no longer authentic. Jesus was able to do this pretty quick because he’s God’s Son. He also operated from a completely selfless standpoint. He didn’t have an agenda. He just wanted to share his life with us.
This week, take a look around you and find that friend with whom you would like to deepen your relationship. Make your communication more intentional. Ask deeper questions and share more personal information. Have fun and enjoy the relationships you have.
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