It should be no secret that being offended is almost like a new drug in our culture. I don’t really understand it. I mean I get a nice cold beverage on a hot summer day. I can even see someone grabbing a scratch off ticket just out of curiosity if they might win a few dollars. But I’ve never understood some of the other addictions in the world. I know being addicted is an illness and it’s not something you can just get over on your own either. It takes work and help…lots of help.
But there’s a newish trend in our culture right now that has elevated a new addiction above some of the bigger more glamorous ones. It’s the addiction to being offended. I see this all the time. From friends to neighbors to family members, people just have a new desire to be upset.
Now when it comes to being offended there are two sides. There’s the one who is offended and the person who gave the offense. So who’s at fault? Something to remember that is challenging in the moment.
Just because you take offense does not mean it was given.
I know that sounds like an oxymoron but think about it. Have you ever had someone talk to you and you just got all bent out of shape because of some external circumstance that had little to nothing to do with the person who was talking to you? This is that very thing. When you’re offended here are some keys to dealing with that feeling of offense.
What do I know about the person?
One idea to consider when dealing with an offense is to evaluate the relationship you have with the individual or group of people. How well do you know them? Is the way you’re taking this event consistent with how they have treated you in the past? Could they be dealing with something of which you’re unaware?
What’s going on in my heart?
Another thing to consider is yourself. You see a lot of the time when we are offended we are struggling with something of our own and it’s just easier to emotionally throw up on someone else than deal with our own heart. So before you let someone’s words or actions cause you to say/do something you can’t take back, make sure you do a little introspection. What are you going through? What is eating at your heart? What emotion are you struggling with that you haven’t fully addressed?
Is what I heard actually what was said?
This is a hard one, probably the hardest one of all. It’s super easy to infuse our own thoughts and concerns and emotions into someone else’s communication with us. It’s super hard to objectively step back and offer an honest assessment of a situation at which we might be at fault. This is why I have made it a practice to follow most of my harder conversations by writing a verbatim, or as close as possible to a word for word account of what was said as I am able. Remove all emotion. I don’t write down tone of voice or body language just the words that were actually said as close to verbatim as I possibly can get. This has helped me numerous times diffuse my own offense addiction. When I can re-read what was actually said it forces me to remove my preconceived ideas and disconnect my emotion from the situation.
The long and short is simple. Just because you feel offended does NOT mean someone offended you. Perhaps their words were heard in a way that wasn’t what you had hoped to hear. Perhaps what you heard wasn’t actually said. Or perhaps there’s more to the story that you can’t see because you’re just too close. No matter. If an offense is made either by someone else or by you, seek restoration quickly because the longer you go having been offended the more it will eventually effect your other relationships as well.