There’s a thing going around these days when some people like to tell other people how to love properly. It’s a pretty touchy subject actually. It’s been around for quite some time but has gotten worse through the challenges we’ve faced in 2020 and now into 2021.
The thrust of this kind of thinking is basically saying that one set of actions has to be done to actually demonstrate love for someone else. When actually we’re saying that set of actions would make me feel more comfortable. Some in our world are trying to make everyone express their kindness in the same way. But that’s just not how it works.
There’s a book titled the 5 Love Languages and it’s a pretty good book. Granted its primary focus is on marriage relationships but there’s a crossover in application to all relationships. We have to be aware not only of how we receive love but also how someone else, the recipient of our love, receives it best.
There’s nothing more frustrating than going out of your way to show someone you love them only for them to totally miss it. I mean if you’re the gift giving type and the person you’re trying to love could care less about gifts, then your efforts will fail to communicate what you’re trying to say.
The problem with saying you have to do this or that particular thing to demonstrate love for another person is that you are only taking into account how you prefer to show love for someone else and NOT how they receive it. There are some people who are totally different than you. Some people don’t see the world the same way you do. When you aren’t willing to show them love in the way they best can receive it then you’re really not loving them. You’re trying to force them to be like you.
I get it. This isn’t easy. As a matter of fact it’s freaking hard sometimes. But if you love someone you really don’t care how hard it is. You’ll go out of your way to love them, not how you want to love them or how you’d like to be shown love, but how they best see love.
Do some investigative work. Find out how that other person in your life receives love and show them in their language not in your own. It will make a massive difference.
One of my least favorite words in teh human language is the word love. I can’t stand it. People throw it around like it’s just another word. We say we love our spouse then we love pizza and then we love our truck or sports team or friend. But do we really love those things? Is it love or like?
The cool thing about other languages is that they have multiple words that can be used in place of love that help you better understand what someone is talking about. This week I talked about the different words for love. We discussed family or relational love, intimate love, friend love, and a love we all want to have but honestly can’t and that’s unconditional or limitless love.
Now before I send you off to check out the talk on the different kinds of love it’s important to understand why this was our focus. You see there are some who will make you question love. In our relationships people tend to say one thing and do a different thing which makes love go out of focus to put it mildly.
But there are some churches and chruch traditions that will call into question God’s love for you based on what’s happening in the world, how good or not good of a person you are, or how you practice your Jesus life by going to church and stuff like that. So let me be very clear –
If you are part of a church tradition that causes you to question God’s love for you, then you are not in a Biblical church.
There’s no more simple way to put it. God is the one who loves you unconditionally. God is the one who cares for you without boundaries. His love is not based on your love for him or your practicing your faith life. God doesn’t need you to be a good person for him to love you. He just does. You can believe it or not but that doesn’t change his love either. This is so very important and foundational to our understanding of who God is and how we live our lives. Check out the video below.
I remember a little over four years ago there was a whole movement in the United States with people who were upset about the results of the 2016 election that started a not my president social media campaign. It was laughable to say the least. They weren’t going to change an election with a social media campaign. Not sure what they were trying to prove to be honest. But it was indicative of a deeper rooted issue that was present in our culture. In 2021 it’s been given the name cancel culture.
The basic principle of cancel culture is that when something doesn’t go how we want it to go, we cancel it. Now canceling comes in a variety of forms. We delete someone from social media and act as if they never existed. We change the narrative of someone’s story to line up with what fits our lives best. We demonize the opposing person to make them the total enemy just because they have a different view point.
There are tons of ways that this is done in our world today. And it goes both ways, so let’s not get our panties all in a wad here. This is a two sided game that’s played out in life, so stop pointing fingers at the “other side” for doing this all the time. Although it always looks worse from our perspective when the opposition does it.
But is there a better way? Is there a better way to handle it when someone disagrees with us or opposes our view point?
Yes! There is! It’s called being an adult. Goodness we act like a bunch of preschoolers who get our feelings hurt. Grow up!
Ok that wasn’t helpful at all. Sorry about that. Seriously, there is a better way to handle this for sure. Canceling is not the right answer. Ever. Here are a few steps that we can take to prevent ourselves from canceling someone that has a different outlook than we have.
Listen before replying.
One of the biggest issues that I find exists in this whole cancel culture world is that we make assumptions based on emotion not fact. We hear the part of what someone says and form our opinion before we know the whole story. All too often our communication is predominately in short written forms like text messages or social media. Well you can’t get all of your thoughts out in a text message and you have no idea what a person really is thinking when you read that text. So instead of asking what a person means, we tend to jump to our emotional response. We make assumptions. ASSumptions are not good by the way. They make you look, well let’s just say bad.
Respond don’t react.
Following closely on the heals of listening is having a measured response. It’s super easy to give the gut reaction to something but let’s be honest. That’s usually not the best way of doing things is it?
I think of wha happens when someone, even jokingly, slaps me in the back. Not to be hurtful or anything just a hit on the back harder than a gentle pat. Well, something inside me flips when that happens. My reaction is generally not that great. I will typically spin around with fist clenched ready to show you in no uncertain terms that I don’t like that. I know it’s an overreaction but that’s what reactions are – they are not well thought out.
So when we respond instead of react, we take time to process the information that someone gives us. We listen to the words but also read the nonverbal cues. When we’ve put all of the information together and calmed ourselves down from any emotional vigor, we can respond in a more level-headed way.
Remove Emotion.
Another key to having a civil conversation with someone who differs from you is to remove your emotionally keyed up self from the equation. We all too often come into a situation with all sorts of preconceived ideas, emotions from other parts of life, bad day at work, scared of financial trouble, kids aren’t listening, friends don’t treat us the same way, all sorts of things that pile up and then someone disagrees and WHACK! We rapidly turn around and pummel the person who thinks red is a better color than blue.
When we’re in a situation where we disagree with someone else, it can be helpful to step away for a predetermined amount of time to cool off. Say something like Hey I’m not in a good place right now, so I’m going to go for 10 minutes to cool off and then we can talk more. But come back in 10 minutes and be cooled off!
The two problems we have with this most often are that we don’t take time to cool off when we know it’s the right thing to do. And secondly, we don’t set a return time. If we don’t set a return time, it comes across like we’re ditching the conversation. Saying that you need to go cool off is so ambiguous and has the appearance that you’re never coming back and just avoiding the problem.
So step away and cool off. Then come back and with a level head talk gently about it.
Lower your voice.
One of my favorite things about parenting that I learned way too late was the power of a whisper. When we’re heated up and someone isn’t listening to us and we feel attacked or like we need to get a point across, we tend to raise our voice and yell. But when we raise our voice, the other person backs away.
If we want to get the situation to calm down and draw them close, we need to lower our voice (and in turn lower our blood pressure). Then we will force ourselves to more calmly engage in conversation.
It’s ok to not see things the same way.
The last part of this is to realize that we don’t need to agree with everyone. It’s ok to disagree. Disagreement doesn’t mean war. It just means that I can respect your point of view but I expect you to do the same for mine.
None of these alone are silver bullet approaches to diffusing conflict. But all of them put together will go a long way toward deescalating some of the trivial back biting we find prevalent in our society and relationships these days.
Ok so I’m going to just be blunt for a minute. I’m sick and tired of this mess. No, I’m not talking about the whole covid thing, although I’m getting tired of that too but something bigger than that. I’m not even talking the politically charged world that’s become the normal, at least for now.
I’m talking about the hate. I’m sick and tired of the hatred people are slinging around lately. Have you ever been to the zoo? Ever watch the monkeys when they get upset with each other? They sling their crap at each other. Well, this world is starting to act like a bunch of monkeys doing just that very thing. And it’s ridiculous.
Look – I get it. You don’t agree with your neighbor. Who cares? Your family member voted for a different political candidate. Well, good for them. You don’t wear a mask but your friend does. Sure sounds like a ridiculous thing to let ruin a friendship to me!
Can you please tell me when hate became the new normal? Why is it that we feel so much more comfortable throwing people under a bus than having an honest and civil conversation? And when you have that conversation, don’t expect the other person to bend to your will. You see that’s the fallacy many are working with right now. They think that as soon as they present their case in a well-thought out manner, the other person no longer is allowed to disagree.
Well, sorry to be the bearer of truth here but if you’re allowed to have your opinion, then your neighbor is allowed to have theirs too.
This is not rocket science. It’s not even science! It’s common sense! Just be kind. Quit trying to be king. Just be kind! Don’t agree? Get over it. I’m not trying to be mean here but seriously don’t let a disagreement tear apart a friendship or family. Be kind!
You see if you really look at it. We can all defend our position. You can defend your political stance, but so can your neighbor. You can find someone who speaks your viewpoint on covid, or seatbelt use, or vaccines, or the safety of online shopping. But so can the person who does things different than you. The issue isn’t that we do things different. The issue is that we let difference divide and breed hate. Be kind!
Today’s Music Monday is about just that. It’s time for a revolutionary idea. Let’s get back to the basics of humanity for just a minute. Be kind! It’s really that simple. Disagree and be kind. Agree and be kind. Argue but be kind. Be angry but be kind. It’s possible – you should try it!
This week I wanted to share this song with you. It’s a song about who we are and how we need to view one another. This song isn’t about which side of the aisle you sit, what color your skin is, what gender, nationality, or financial status. This song is really about everyone on this earth.
We’ve lost sight of something really important. We’re all made in the image of God. Whether you believe it or not, doesn’t really change the fact that we didn’t have life until God gave it to us. We often live this image well, but there are times when we falter and live out a broken image.
Today I ask you to pause and just look around. Look at how different we all are. But look at how similar we all are too. It’s easy to see the things that make us different. It’s easy to see the things that separate us and cause division. It takes work to focus on the things that unite us. We all need air to breathe and food to survive. We all walk by putting one foot in front of the other. We all need sleep to stay healthy and exercise to stay fit.
We don’t all eat the same things or sleep at the same times or workout the same way. But just because we do things differently doesn’t mean we’re any less made in the image of God. Take time today and look around you and value the image of God that is present in everyone around you – yep even those people who are way different than you!
If you’re not a parent and never raised little children this image might not resonate with you. But I remember as a young new parent with twin children trying to teach my boys to eat. Like every child I’ve ever encountered they had a tendency to take their food and throw some of it on the floor. Then they’d cry because they were hungry and didn’t have enough to eat. When dealing with children, we kind of laugh it off as if it’s no big deal, but what if an older person were to do that? I can’t imagine what would happen if I would have done that at 13 at the supper table with my parents!
Growing up going to church taught me a lot. I went to Sunday worship and even bible class as a child. Then when I was old enough, I went through something called confirmation. This was when I learned the ins and outs of what the church I attended believed. We studied things like baptism and communion and prayer. But before all that we took time to study the famous 10 Commandments. In our most recent series in worship, we’ll be digging deeper into these very commandments to gain a better understanding. Let’s start here.
This week at church we looked at one of the most adult rated stories in the entire bible. If this were made into a movie it would not be on television and it would likely not make it past your parental control settings. It was the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Perhaps you know the story? Maybe not? Let me give you the PG-13 version.
There’s a lot of talk in the world right now. Everyone has something to say. Bloggers blog. Writers write. Speakers speak. We update our Facebook with all of our thoughts and feelings. We have no problem telling peopel what we’re for and what we’re against. But there’s something we might have forgotten and that’s the theme of this week’s MusicMonday.
Enough is enough already. When did we become a divided people? When did we fall for the trap of evil that has been set before us? When did we become so stupid that we follow the horrible lead of violence? What made us give in to the idea that hatred and destruction are the answer?
We are not together. I don’t know of a time when division was more prominent. The unfortunate thing is that this is being called a racial division but that’s just not true. There is racial tension and inequality to be certain but that’s not the real problem we face. The violence and the hatred being spread around our cities like manure flung in a farmer’s field is not about race. It’s about evil. Pure evil.
I pray for my brothers and sisters around the world regardless of race or color or gender or political background. I pray for those who hurt and those who lack the confidence to live the lives they’ve been given to live. I pray for those who are violently held back in life.
It’s time to realize that we have merely one shot at this life. We can opt to mess it up and make it miserable for everyone around us by trashing their businesses and homes and ruining our own stuff. Or we can choose to serve those in need. Support our local business owners. Clean up after these riots. Care for one another. Walk shoulder to shoulder through this life together. The choice is yours. I pray you choose together.
