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Tag: communication (Page 1 of 2)

Optometrist or Artist?

July 27, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Kind of a weird title. Totally get it. But I think sometimes we act like one of these when we should be the other. In dealing with truth matters, conflict issues, and frankly many conversations in life we tend to tell what we want people to see more than what truly is there. Let me explain.

I love going to the eye doctor. Not a lot of people say that I’m sure. And perhaps I like going because it’s a time I can hear the doc tell me how great my eyesight is. I’m one of those people who have been given the uncanny ability to see really well without corrective lenses. Actually I’m the only one in my house with strong enough eye sight to not need glasses or contacts.

When you go to the eye doctor and sit in her magic chair, she pulls the little mechanical goggles in front of your face. Then she asks you to look at the letter graph on the wall and read what’s there. Her job is to help you see what’s right there in front of you – just more clearly. She isn’t supposed to help you see something creative or cool. Just black letters on a white background. No more. No less.

An artist on the other hand has a different job. Their job is to help you see something from their perspective, something that may or may not even be there. The job of an artist isn’t to clarify your sight or even highlight reality. Their job is to paint you a picture from their view point. Inevitably they’ll help you see colors, shapes, or elements of something that you might have missed through shading and colors and even exaggeration of sizes.

I think in our communication we have to determine which approach we’re going to use. As a pastor of a church, my job isn’t to paint you a picture of something that isn’t there. It’s not to color something in a particular way that makes you think it’s pretty or beautiful. My job is not to tell you what you want to see. Being a pastor is not like being an artist.

Being a pastor is far more like being an optometrist than an artist. I don’t get to tell you what you should see. I tell you what’s there that you might not be able to see properly.

This part of my job is not fun at times. Telling a friend that their lifestyle isn’t in line with their confession of faith has lost me more than a few friends. But I firmly believe in caring about someone too much to leave them in a potentially bad place is worth the risk. To be honest,if I had to do it all over – the times I’ve been an optometrist (especially the ones that backfired and caused someone to be angry with me) I would definitely do them again.

I can’t paint a pretty picture of someone who is living in a dangerous place spiritually or in a bad relational setting or in a hypocritical lifestyle. None of it is good, healthy or beneficial to anyone!

The point is, if you want an artist to draw you a picture of how good life is and sugar coat things in life so you feel better then I guess I’m not your guy. But if you want an honest, and at times blunt, assessment of what is visible from your actions then I’d gladly walk alongside you as an optometrist who lets you see the difference between view “a” and “b”.

Here’s to seeing more clearly!

Communication and Gardening

June 15, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As some may know, my family now lives on over 12 acres of land. Some of that land is farmed while the rest is where our house sits. On the portion where our house sits, we currently have a garden that is bigger than the backyard at our previous home. It’s fantastic! I’ve planted carrots, onions, potatoes, beans, peas, tomatoes, cucumbers, cantaloupe, zucchini, sweet potatoes, pumpkins and several rows of sweet corn. I grew 99% of these plants from seeds in my basement grow room.

There were a few things I direct planted in the garden, like the sweet corn. I love me some good sweet corn in the summer months. And we even stagger planted so, Lord willing, we’ll have a crop that lasts for a longer duration. We are very much looking forward to freezing, canning, and all the things to better live off the land we have.

But in this whole process of gardening, something has kind of stood out to me. Not every seed grows. They all come from the same packet but not all of them grow. I planted several rows of corn but I have a few bare spots where the seed just simply didn’t germinate. How can that be? I planted them on the same day, in the same garden, with the same sunlight and same water pattern and all of them from the same packet! Yet about half a row just isn’t coming up.

The problem isn’t the amount of water nor sunlight. It’s not a matter of bad seeds either. The problem is…the soil. It’s the only thing that could possibly be wrong. It’s the only thing that could have variations in it. It’s really the only variable that I wasn’t able to control.

This reminds me a lot of communication! Have you ever said something to someone only to have them explode like a brick of C4? The words you said weren’t wrong or even mean spirited. They were just heard wrong. They fell on some bad soil.

If you’ve been on the giving end of a conversation that quickly turned to the receiving end of a mean spirited rebuttal or an out of character move, then you’ve been a witness to some bad soil. It’s unfortunate that the way someone hears something can so quickly change the tone of a conversation not to mention ruin an entire relationship.

But just like those corn seeds that I place in the garden have since become unusable, that’s what happens in some relationships when the soil of someone’s heart isn’t healthy. No matter what we say or how we say it, the seed won’t grow. The conversation will be heated. Feelings will become unnecessarily hurt. And in worst case scenarios, the relationship will be rotten.

Look, this is not a golden ticket to be a jerk. But it is the realization that no matter how hard you try or how good your intentions might be, some people are just living in a spot of bad soil. And unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to change the soil of someone’s heart.

So be kind. Talk gently. Be honest. Tell the truth. But know, that even if you take all of these precautions, some people just have something in their soil that you might not be able to overcome.

Just Zip It

May 4, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I’ve been wrestling for a while this idea and after some time to let the idea simmer a bit, I decided it just has to be said. It’s simple really. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you don’t need to voice an opinion.

I’m not sure if you realized it or not but there are some pretty charged issues in our world right now. The political landscape is more polarized now than any time I can remember. People have opinions about everything right now! And worse yet, we all feel that our opinion has to be heard because it’s obviously the right one – or so we think.

I’m sitting back watching how many people I know handle some of the news hitting the air waves and I have to say that I’m disappointed and even appalled. We are so quick to offer our thoughts without really thinking through their implications. Yes I know, this is a post that will be shared on social media, so it kind of feels like I’m breaking my own rule here. But there’s no one sided opinion here. I’m just asking you to slow down. Before you hit send, post, or tweet, take a minute to just consider a few things.

Does this need to be said?

Most of the time the things that we offer don’t really need to be said. They are personal feelings that are more intended to harm someone else than build others up. You have the right to your opinion as much as the next person, but be careful that you don’t make it sound like yours is the only opinion that matters. Some things just don’t need to be said.

Is this meant to build up or tear down?

Far too much of what is going around right now in our world is not intended to do anyone any good at all. This is very unfortunate, but it’s true. There’s a saying from the movie Bambi where the little rabbit repeats what he heard from his mom. If you can’t say nothing nice, then don’t say nothing at all. I think we could all learn a lot from this little rabbit. If it’s meant to tear down, break someone apart, or do someone harm then just keep your mouth shut.

Hard truths spoken gently.

There will come a time when you have to speak a hard truth, but you better make sure you’re doing it right. Speak the truth in a way and at a time when it will do the most good. If the matter is private, then keep the conversation quiet. If the matter is public, then still keep the conversation between you and that person quiet. You don’t need to air your, or someone else’s dirty laundry in public. It just isn’t worth it. But when you speak the truth to someone, know that it will very possibly end in a broken friendship. No one likes to be shown errors no matter how much they need to be addressed. Just make sure that you’re having the conversation for the right reason.

Provide an alternative.

There will come a time when you need to take a stand. When that happens make sure you provide an alternative. Every hard decision and hard truth spoken will leave some carnage. And some people will be upset and angry, so one way to deflate and deescalate that problem is to make sure you account for the innocent parties left in the wake. Be kind. Look out for those that no one else is looking out for in the moment. And with more than just words provide for those in the weakest of circumstances.

There are more ways to handle the difficult kinds of situations, but these are just a few of the ways that I’ve found work best when wrestling with the should I say something question. And if you have to think twice about whether or not to post something on a social media platform, then you probably should just not do it. That little voice in your head that’s telling you to not do that is probably a good one to listen to in this moment.

Hope this serves you well and can help in how/when you communicate challenging things to people around you.

Healthy Relationships

January 18, 2022 / / 0 Comments

There’s a rhythm that needs to be established in the relationships we hold. There needs to be boundaries and some freedoms at the same time. But it seems in out culture today we’ve lost something important in our relationships. We’ve lost the depth in our relationships. We’ve become shallow.

We’re culture that wants our friends as long as they tell us what we want to hear, do what we want them to do, and go where we want them to go. And if we don’t get our way, then we run away or dismiss that person altogether. It’s a shame that we’ve fallen prey to the division that is happening in our world. And the worst part of this is that it’s happening in the church too, with people who claim to follow the ways of Jesus. Well that’s not Jesus’ way.

Relationships that can’t endure the hard moments demonstrate a lack of depth. Whether it’s a friendship or a dating relationship or neighbors or even a marriage, there needs to be a willingness to have hard conversations. Part of the issue we’re facing in our shallow lives today is that we can’t have hard conversations. We’d rather run than do something hard. But running has never been the plan God had for us. Running isolates and causes us to be alone.

We need to suck it up and do the hard things in life and have those hard conversations instead of cowering, running, or dismissing people with different views than we have.

Something that’s become extremely common in our lives especially as of late is isolation has become the normal. Whether it’s for health purposes or just our inability to deal with challenging circumstances, people are running away from everything and everyone that is important to them and isolating themselves. The Bible is clear that isolation is not a good thing! Not by any means is it good for a longterm strategy for life.

Sure we can back away to gather ourselves before we say something off color. We can take a little time out, so to speak, to gather our thoughts and heal a bit. But isolation is a longterm kind of thing. This is not God’s design. And frankly it is not healthy at all!

This week we talked about isolation, friendships, and how healthy relationships are critical to how we live out our faith. Some things to wrestle with as you consider your relationships.

Are you distancing yourself from someone in your life just because you don’t see things eye to eye? How can you move past that disagreement? What part of the disagreement is on you?

You see when we can claim a piece of the pie of our relationship breakdowns, we have a harder time blaming the other person. The point is that it takes two to have a problem. What part of the problem do you need to own up to?

You Can’t Control How They See It

October 14, 2021 / / 0 Comments

Communication is a tough business. You can craft your message. You can select your words. You can work on inflection and delivery. If it’s printed material, you diligently work on type face and word spacing and all the cool graphic things. But there is a time when certain things are out of your control.

Some people are just going to look for any chance to roast you over what you said or how you said it. There are people in all of our lives who play the role of the eternal antagonist. They want nothing more than to stir the pot. While others have circumstances in their lives that act like those machines at the eye doctor that filter how we see what’s clearly right in front of us. When scenario “A” happens it changes how we see life in comparison to scenario “B.” So the point here is to not over worry about someone’s interpretation of something you did not communicate in the first place.

Acknowledging that some things eventually will be outside of your ability to control however does not give you the excuse to not do your due diligence. While certain things are out of our control, much of the art of communication is very much in our control. It is the responsibility of the communicator to, well communicate effectively and efficiently and eloquently.

I recently was sent an image of a church’s graphic material. It took about half a second for me to see that someone didn’t do their homework very well. While the message communicated was very much right on, there was an unintended snag in their communication. Whoever hung the banners below didn’t understand a cultural nuance in our society. Now I will warn you that if you are easily offended, then you will likely take offense at the image. I am using it as an example that sometimes innocent communication, when lazily put in front of an audience, can speak an unintentional message.

The image is telling us that this church values friends, teaching and worship. But if you look at the way they are set side by side, you’ll notice that the letters at the top are W.T.F.

That abbreviation is not exactly what this church was going for I am very certain. But when we fail to thoroughly look at our message we run the risk of doing exactly what happened here. We can communicate a message that is completely inappropriate without even knowing it. For those of you who don’t know what the three letters mean, you’re probably way better off! Let’s just say it’s not a message most churches would like hanging over their entry doors.

So what do we do with this? Simple, slow down. Get a second set of eyes or ears on the message you’re bringing. Whether it’s in a church or a small business or in front of massive crowds or even just a group of family and friends – what you say and how you say it communicates a lot about the care you give to your message.

Communication is totally out of your hands once it’s been received by someone else, so take your time to make sure what you’re about to say is what you really want to say.

Easiest Way To Get To Me

February 16, 2021 / / 0 Comments

I have been doing a bit more reading lately and it’s been really good stuff, and one of the ways that I process information is by writing down what I read and applying it to real life. Recently I came across the idea that we are most easily tempted to do wrong in one of three ways: approval, appetite and ambition. It’s absolutely uncanny that these three categories actually encompass so much of what drives us in life. Interestingly enough the three areas that we struggle with the most in life are the three ways Satan tried to get Jesus to fall as well.

Appetite

Food is an essential part of life to be sure. We all need food to survive. But often our fear of not having the right stuff or enough stuff can drive us to do weird things! And appetite isn’t just about food. It’s about our need and desire for more. Appetite is about gathering for ourselves in a way that makes the created stuff more important than the creator. Need an example? You don’t have to go far.

I mean seriously if you’re being honest you have to admit the toilet paper shortage of 2020 was a bit ridiculous to put it very mildly. People in the world were scared that when the pandemic, an upper respiratory virus, hit in early 2020 they needed to control as much as they could. Store shelves were ransacked. Banks were filled with people drawing out money at alarming rates. Guns and ammo were impossible to find. And toilet paper was gone! The appetite of the American people became so consumed with a self-serving attitude that we gathered when we should have shared.

Turn these stones into bread was the temptation Satan gave to Jesus. You’re hungry do something about it. Fill that appetite with what pleases you and makes you feel better. Instead of falling for the idol of appetite, Jesus relied on the provision of his Father. We would be well served if we focused on what we have instead of what we want. Then our appetite god is less likely to get away from us.

Approval

It’s great to be recognized isn’t it? I mean you put in a lot of work on a project. You do a good job. You succeed in what your boss wanted from you. A little ‘atta boy’ or pat on the back wouldn’t hurt anything would it? I don’t mean getting your name in lights and having the world shout your name from the mountains but a thank you isn’t too bad a thing is it?

The god of approval can be a dangerous and slippery slope. While there isn’t a real problem with a thank you now and again the issue of approval turns sour when we seek the approval of everyone around us thereby seizing our actions out of fear that we won’t gain that approval. Taken to another level we’re supposed to seek the approval of God rather than men.

When Satan was tempting Jesus, he tried to get him to get teh approval of the crowds. Go and throw yourself off this peak and let them all see how great and powerful you are. Jesus didn’t take the bait. He didn’t fall for it. Instead he rested in the approval he received from his Father. This approval is the one we need to seek as well. The approval of those around us will vary based on their emotional status and how they feel in the moment. But God is consistent and his approval of us isn’t tied to what we do but what Jesus already did for us.

Ambition

The final area of temptation to which we often fall is ambition which when taken too far is pride. This area of ambition being a problem is when we try to climb the ladder of success at the expense of all those around us. Or when our ambition is all about making a name for ourselves. This is when things get bad.

Jesus faced this same thing too. When he was with Satan in the wilderness, the carrot of self aggrandizement was waved before Jesus. Satan tried to offer to Jesus all the power he could imagine. If you please me then you get all this. Jesus wanted nothing of it. He knew that his ambition wasn’t in himself but in the promise and provision of his Father.

So there you have it. All of them are good in moderation but good taken too far is evil. Curb your appetite. Seek approval from God alone. And remember that your ambition should be for service not gratification.

Talking To Teens

August 30, 2019 / / 0 Comments

As a parent I’ve figured out that communicating with my children at various stages of development can be at times challenging to say the least. From the time they’re babies, our children are learning how to communicate. Whether it’s teaching your child to sign before they speak, so they can tell you they’re hungry, or teaching them to say their first words, or when to keep their mouths closed – communication is learned over time.

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Are You Listening To Me?

August 16, 2019 / / 0 Comments

In our fast paced, soundbite society it’s easy to appear like we’re listening when we’re actually not! It’s a terrible thing to have someone right in front of you and pretend to listen. But all of us do it! Just about everyone we meet is doing this. We are too! If we’re honest, we’re thinking about a million other things when someone is talking to us. We think about everything from what’s for supper to what are we going to say next. Forming our reply isn’t listening – just in case you didn’t know. So how do we get better at listening?

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The Basics

August 2, 2019 / / 0 Comments

Life has been flying by at a frenzied pace lately. Not sure if it’s the same for everyone but I’m fairly certain we’re all in a very similar boat here. We have pressures from work and home life. The yard needs mowed and flowerbeds need constant attention. The kids’ schedules are filling the calendar and the weekends are already showing signs that this will be a busy season for you! Your older kids need some attention but your younger ones need a whole new level of attention. All of this and we haven’t even considered your personal time or the time needed to invest in your marriage!

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