Alright I’ll apologize at the outset here to anyone who gets offended easily. However, if I’m being honest, knowing that you’re still here you probably means you don’t have super thin skin. I don’t think I have to tell anyone in our world today that life is hard. We can’t do the things we used to do. People tell us one thing then do something totally different. You pour into someone with your time and energy and love and support then they turn around and slap you in the face or turn their back on you when you’re in need. And this is beyond taxing!
There’s a very real thing happening in life right now called compassion fatigue. It’s what happens when you constantly care for others and have no one there to care for you. It’s what I call my give a crap meter is broken. And for complete transparency when that meter breaks I’m a bear to live with because it impacts how I care for everyone. When we invest in someone and they turn around and live like we don’t matter at all, it depletes our ability to care for even those close to us. We start to wonder if everyone feels the same way as that ungrateful person. We act more guarded and jaded and honestly we start to be less friendly to our real friends and family.
So if you’re one of those people who receive the care from someone but don’t show any gratitude, it’s time to fix that one. Don’t be a jerk! If someone is there for you and supporting you and lifting you up throughout life, then make sure you don’t turn around and kick them out when they’re having a hard time. Ok off my soap box because those are rarely helpful. Now for a couple of positive things to help protect yourself.
How do we combat compassion fatigue?
Surround yourself with people who care. I know this sounds like one of those ridiculous and superbly obvious statements. But you’d be surprised how many times we surround ourselves with people who suck the life out of us even when we’re empty emotionally and spiritually. Take an honest inventory of your friends and see who is really there for you when the crap hits the fan in life. Who are the ones that are there when you are hurting and broken? Who are the ones that check in to see if you are ok? Who are the ones that just show up? Who are the ones who don’t make it about themselves?
Set clear boundaries. This one is huge and I can’t stress it enough. You need to know when enough is enough. You need to know when someone is using you for their personal gain and not in the friendship for any mutual benefit. Boundaries don’t have to be the same for each person either. You just need to make sure to give yourself space to heal and recover from constantly being “on” for other people. You matter too!
Space to refuel is critical. So I’m not a big sit by a fire and read a book kind of guy, although a fire sounds good on this 5 degree day! Consider what you can do to fill yourself back up. Some like to get a massage. Others go for a walk. Maybe go out for a night with friends with no agenda. Workout. Go for a run. Drive around the outer belt, not during rush hour of course. Go on a vacation. Turn off your phone for an hour. Go play in the snow with your children. Dive into the bible or a good devotion book. There are a million things you can do to recharge a bit, you just have to be intentional. The point is that you can only pour into someone else what’s being poured into you.
Stay resilient. I always thought resilient meant never giving up or always pushing through. But the definition, according to the interwebs, is able to recover readily from a misfortune. Now that’s a pretty good one! We need to be resilient when working with people who are in a time of need. They’re going to say and do things that will hurt, but be resilient and bounce back. Don’t take it personally if a person who is in crisis doesn’t seem overly friendly. Give them space and take your own space then come back to make sure they’re ok. The point of resiliency is that we need to be flexible with those around us. If we’re super rigid, the second something goes wrong we will break. And no one wants to break.
This is not an exhaustive list of ways to combat compassion fatigue. These things are intended to hopefully help you see that you do matter. To someone in your circle you matter more than you know. Even if you’re beaten by the world and feel abandoned take time to look around and see who’s in this mess with you. If you’re empty, lean on those people. You won’t regret it.
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