Parenting is often like herding cats or trying to wrestle a greased pig. NO I’m not calling your child a household, wild or farm animal! But as a parent it’s easy to find yourself beating your head against a wall at times because you’re just not understanding your child’s needs, desires and heart.

I subscribe to several email newsletters and admittedly most of them are junk. But from time to time, I’ll come across a nugget that is worth sharing. Sometimes that nugget is simply forwarded to a friend or colleague, but today that nugget is the foundation of this brick wall message. Your child can be a brick wall at times. But what if I told you that there was a way to understand the way your child hears allowing you to better communicate with him or her?

The newsletter is from a group called Parent Cue. Some of there stuff is really helpful. As a matter of fact, we have a set of books from them on the shelves at the church I serve as pastor. They operate under the assumption that there are stages in a child’s life that they call phases. These phases are based on age and do make some assumptions but largely these hold true across the board.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the phases and a very brief summary on how to communicate in each phase. The goal is to help you stop hitting your head against the wall!

Preschool Phase

This phase is exactly what you’d expect – the time when your child is before or in preschool. The markers of this phase are all things learning. A child in this phase is learning what he or she can do. They’re testing the boundaries of who loves them, what love is and trying to figure out what happiness and sadness mean. Everything is new to them so be a place where they can come for safety. Help them feel loved and let them feel free to show who they are and be emotional. My favorite phrase suck it up buttercup won’t work well in this phase!

Look I get it. In this phase your child will make mountains out of every obstacle. They’ll cry when something doesn’t go their way. But be patient and understanding. Help them see that tears are ok, sadness has its place and frustration is at times appropriate. But help them navigate these feelings with words. Show them how to feel sad, happy, angry, worried with words instead of explosions of emotional hurricanes.

Elementary School Phase

Yep another easy one. Actually, these phases aren’t really rocket science in their naming. And most of us who’ve been parents for a while will see the communication strategies for each phase and think this is silly talk. But when you’re in the midst of a crying tantrum or exploding teenage emotion box you might not have access to reasonable communication. It’s best to have these on standby at all times.

The elementary school phase deals with our children as they navigate the challenges of growing up. They’ve learned a lot already and like little sponges will continue to develop and soak up everything around them for these years. But for these years you’ll need to know that approval and attention mean the world! Now the challenge is who will give them the attention they need.

At first you will be their hero, but quickly in this phase you’ll see that their peers and even their bullies will holder a louder voice in their lives than you do. Your child in this phase will start to compare herself to her friends. He’ll want everything his buddies have. When talking to your child in this phase, use a calm and quieter voice. Be on their level…literally. Don’t stand over them and talk down to them. Instead crouch down to talk to them at their eye level. Another really important part of this phase, that I am not great at by the way, is positive reinforcement. Praise them for getting things right. Remember a lot of what they’re doing is somewhat new to them. The world is a hard place so be the safe haven they need! Be your child’s biggest cheerleader and let them know it!

Middle School Phase

In middle school your child will become a bit of a stranger to you. A friend once said that it’s in the teenage years that it appears as of aliens have taken over our children’s bodies. If you’ve never had a middle schooler, you’re in for a treat! And I don’t mean that as bad as it probably sounds either. Parenting a middle schooler is going to be a challenge but not impossible by any means. It’s a largely rewarding experience actually.

A middle schooler is all about testing boundaries and bucking authority, and since you’ve been the number one authority in their lives until now you’re the one they’re disagreeing with the most. But it’s not just you they are questioning. As a matter of fact they are second guessing everything in their lives, including where and with whom they fit in.

In this phase your child will likely not be as talkative as she once was. He won’t tell you everything that’s going on in life. You might have to coax some thoughts and conversations out of your child in this phase. This is a great phase for mentors to be introduced into your child’s life. Surround them with people who will bring a good, and if you’re a follower of Jesus, godly voice. You want to give them space but also be the safe place for them as well.

High School Phase

By the time your child hits this phase you’re either ready to throw in the towel or throw a party for yourself that you made it, or maybe both depending on the day. Your high schooler will be exerting a ton of independence, and if not they need to be. You don’t want your child to grow into an adult who can’t adult without you around. Cherish all of the moments you have with your child because this phase quickly transitions to the most emotional phase of parenting.

Your child here is looking for purpose, direction and trying to answer the age old question what am I going to do with the rest of my life. Don’t add pressure in this one. Don’t make your child be the high school star you weren’t or follow in your all American jock footsteps. Your child is not a younger version of you. They are their own person. A young man or woman who will become something potentially far different than you. And that’s perfectly fine!

A huge shift has happened in your parenting from the preschool days to now. They once needed someone to trust, and while that’s still true, the most important thing for them at this phase is that you trust them. Show them that you trust them. They need to know that you’re listening and that in spite of their dumb choices and at times inappropriate actions you still love them.

You will want to remind your child in this phase that while they are soon to transition away from home living they always have a place to call home. This is hugely important. When my wife and I moved to a our new to us home, we decided on a home that had enough space that our children could come back anytime they wanted/needed.

Ok so these are four of the key phases that cover much of the life you’ll experience as a parent. As your child is now back in school and navigating the struggles of friends, teachers, classes, homework, college prep, potty training, throwing sand in the sandbox or being bullied in the halls – your child needs your unconditional love, endless support, and verbal accolades. You only get one shot at this. Don’t miss even one opportunity to love on your child. They fly the nest before you even realize it.