It was a Wednesday morning. I arrived at church a little early to put some finishing touches on a bible study that I had prepared for the ladies at church. We were reading through the book of Romans. It’s a rich book. The thoughts and teachings in this book are some of the heaviest in the entire new testament of the Bible. But they were not unfamiliar teachings to me. I had read these words more times that I can even count. I’ve preached messages on these words. I’ve translated them from their original language to english to help me get a better grasp on their context and meaning.

But this dark, cold morning something was different. As I sat at my desk with my coffee steaming in front of me, Bible opened, computer on – I was frozen in a state of confusion. The words that I had taught countless times before were unable to be comprehended. As I sat perplexed at the words on the page, it was as if a mysterious fog had settle around me. I couldn’t see even the things that were right in front of me. Nothing made sense in that moment. It was as if I was reading these verses again for the very first time.

The only thing I could see was two sentences from Paul’s letter: He will render to each one according to his works…all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. These two verses from Romans 2:6 and Romans 3:23 seemed to paint an image of a God who just wanted to dole out punishments. I knew about grace. I knew about the Jesus of the gospels yet these words seemed to say that I had to work for any source of hope and that was hopeless because I’d never be able to do it on my own! I was sinking rapidly into the quicksand of confusion. I was wrestling with this idea that maybe it was up to me. I tried to read on but just couldn’t focus on the words. Everything was foggy.

All I could do was close my eyes. The confusion started to hurt. I began to wade into doubt. Was it all a joke? Did I fall for some cruel joke? Was everything I’ve been teaching wrong? Then I opened my eyes back up again and some of that fog started to lift. I was starting to see something that had been there the whole time. I started to see that I had been right and wrong all at the same time.

The words from Romans 2, he will render to each one according to his works were right. If I’m going to try to go it alone, then I’ll need to make sure I’m perfect. But that’s where the second line came in. No matter how perfect I try to be, I’ll never make it! I’ve already tarnished the perfect image in which I was made. I’ve talked back to parents. I’ve thought evil toward my enemies. I’ve said things that are not kind. I’ve lashed out in frustration and anger. These are all markers that I too have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. So where does that leave me? What now!?!?!?

Read on, a little voice spoke in my head – and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. So God knew all along that I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. He knew that I’d try to do it myself. He knew that I would try to blaze my own trail and do my own thing. He also knew that no matter how much I tried, I’d never be able to do it right. So this is where what I’ve always believed became real. These verses don’t set up an impossible reality. Actually they say that what I can’t do has been done for me. In Christ I have the assurance that even though I can’t do all of it right, I have received a gift of grace.

Receiving grace is like receiving a gift I didn’t even request. Grace is the undeserved goodness of God toward me. You see it’s about God’s righteousness, not mine! When it’s about me, I’m always wondering if it’s enough. But since it’s about Jesus, I don’t need to have that same worry. When I lay it all at the feet of Jesus, I have the assurance that what’s  done is done. Now all I do is receive. I open my hands and the gift is place there. It’s not about me anymore. It’s never really been about me. It’s about Jesus in me. It’s about what Jesus has done for me. It’s his righteousness not mine.

Do I need Jesus? Absolutely! Without him, my life would be nothing short of aimless wandering.