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Category: Family (Page 1 of 5)

These Feet

July 8, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I was there the day these feet were brought into this crazy world.

I was there the day these feet came home that snowy winter day.

I was there to wash those tiny feet and there to watch them grow.

I was there to show those tiny feet how to walk and run and play.

I was there to run beside these feet when they pedaled around the block.

I was there the day these feet stood strong as you confirmed your faith.

I was there to show these feet to march across the football field.

I was there to show these feet just how to drive.

I was there to send these feet away as this new life began.

I was there when those feet walked out a soldier that warm December day.

I was there when these feet bore the body of a man.

Today these feet left home for a long, extended time.

These feet now walk with strength and purpose that many won’t understand.

These feet are part of a brotherhood – past, present and beyond.

These feet now carry the weight of more than extra gear.

These feet, they hold the burden of a nation that has all but forgotten.

These feet still march with purpose. I see nothing changing that.

Now soon these feet will be darkened by the scorching desert sun.

These feet will walk in dirt and sand, be covered in sweat and grime.

These feet will hurt from hours of heat and unrelenting demand.

These feet belong to a boy who once called me his hero.

Now these feet belong to man I call the same.

These feet will guide you here and there but one more task remains.

There’s just one thing that I demand from these feet today. Bring back my boy when his tour is done that’s all that I can ask.

I’ll be there waiting for the day when these feet exit that car.

I’ll be there to hold the man whose feet that these are.

Parenting By Proxy

June 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

How much time do we spend with our kiddos a day? How much time do you intentionally set aside to be home with them through a week? How about a year? What about through their growing up years? Who gets the most amount of time with our children in their day to day lives?

I would venture to say that if we’re being honest with ourselves many of us would answer that we don’t spend enough time with them and that someone else spends more time with them. Whether that’s a babysitter, teacher, school system, church – who knows pretty much anyone.

Now who’s responsible for making sure our children are raised properly? You know to be people of humility, integrity, faith, respect, kindness, generous, and all those cool attributes. I sure hope that you said that you as the parent are responsible for making sure that your child is raised properly!

Unfortunately there are far too many parents in the world today who are parenting by proxy. They’re letting someone else raise their kids. From assuming the schools are teaching everything they need to know to just letting the church teach them about faith matters to letting screens occupy them while we’re busy doing other things to letting the coach teach them about obedience – we have a tendency to pawn our parenting responsibilities off on someone else.

Now before those of you in two working household families get all bent here, I’m not saying that you have to homeschool your children. Not against it by any means but definitely not for everyone. I’m not saying you can’t have a job outside the home or both of you work. As a matter of fact there is something powerful that a child learns when they see mom and dad working and still engaged in their lives.

But I am saying that parenting is your responsibility not someone else’s! Here’s a quick example of what I’m trying to convey. I recently had a conversation with a group of people from a church. We were talking about the role of the pastor in the lives of the children in the church family. I want to be very clear. I am not a proxy parent for anyone’s kiddos. I’ve done enough damage as a less than perfect parent to my own three children. This church was saying that they want their pastor to be the one who is the primary teacher of faith to the children in the church.

Well, I don’t parent by proxy and I don’t think the pastor should be the faith builder in a child’s life. We’re to teach them but we’re not the one’s who are primarily responsible for the faith development of children. I also don’t think it’s the pastor’s job to do the whole catechism teaching bit for the youth of the church. I think if the pastor does his job rightly, then the parents will be the primary teachers of this to their children. Pastor should most certainly be involved and active and encouraging but the parent should be the primary discipler of the children.

This analogy is true for other areas like math and science and grammar and economics and you name it! The parent cannot shove the kids to someone or something else to teach them. That’s not parenting. All of these other things are assets and tools in the raising of children but they cannot replace what it means to be a loving and true parent.

Look teachers can only teach so much. Pastors can only reach so far. Coaches can be great role models but are limited. You are the parent. You can’t parent your kiddos if you’re never home. You can’t teach them the faith if you don’t open your mouth and teach them. No one is responsible for the development of your children but you. It’s time our culture stopped trying to parent by proxy.

What Do I Do With My Child?

December 13, 2022 / / 0 Comments

So I think as parents we’ve all been there. Our child says or does something and we don’t know how to respond. They say whatever comes to their mind whenever they feel like it. They can’t sit still and are disruptive when we’re in groups of people. There’s a feeling of embarrassment when they just can’t seem to get it together. We wonder things like why won’t my child just sit still?

Well let’s look at the last line there to get started. Why won’t my child just sit still? You want to know the answer? Because they are a child! I know that sounds less than caring and possibly that I’m making fun but I’m not because I’ve been there too. But they are children and they have no idea how to sit still. We haven’t taught them that yet.

And for that massively disrupting behavior you fear your children are making, yeah it’s really not as disrupting as you likely believe. As a matter of fact, most of the distracting noise you hear isn’t really noticed by many others around you in large group settings.

Now I’m a pastor of a church, you know the place where people come and everyone sits as quietly as they can for a duration of time while the pastor talks. Yeah not the most conducive atmosphere for a child, especially your child who can’t sit still – right?! Actually wrong. Really you couldn’t be more wrong on that one. Church is the best place for you to take you child if you feel he is unruly or that she won’t sit quiet or he won’t listen or she can’t stop fidgeting.

Sure there are some of those people who are a bit on the judgmental side who take issue with any noise other than the noise they make. But by and large those gathered as the church have mostly been right where you are. They’ve had the nerves going crazy and the red face moments when their child made too much noise. Give yourself and your child some grace. Church is the place where you are surrounded by parents of all ages who can lend a helping hand if you need it.

Ok so enough commentary. Let’s get to a few tips and tricks learned by hard experience.

Set Expectations

I know that sounds a bit odd especially if you’re talking about a pretty young child or infant but setting expectations is really important. Set your own expectations and theirs! Set the expectation for yourself that you child is a child and will make some noise and that’s ok. For your child, set the expectation of what the situation you’re going into means. To use the church example from earlier, let them know that we’re going to sit and listen when we go in. We’re going to use our inside voice, and use yours when you tell them that.

Sit Close

I know this one runs completely contrary to how we normally think and act but if you sit closer to the front they can see what’s going on. And kids are curious little creatures. If they can’t see, then they’ll likely let you know by making too much noise. Sit in the front third of the room and when you sit down explain what you’re seeing.

Explain Things

Now’s the time to play a little game of I spy with your child. Tell them the colors you see and what might be different than the last time you were there. Point out people you know. What do the symbols mean? Why are they there? What’s about to happen? Who are some of the people around you? Something kind of key here is to introduce them to other people, which means you might have to arrive a little earlier so make sure you plan accordingly.

Keep Them Involved

Even from a young age involve your child in what’s goin on. Things like we’re going to sing a song now to let’s fold our hands to pray are great ways to let them be a part of the worship experience. I remember as a child my parents helping me follow along with the songs as we sang them out of the hymnal. These are all ways to help your child stay connected to the service and be more engaged.

Praise Them For Getting It Right

When the service is over and you are headed to your car, make sure to tell them how great they did. There is even a place for rewarding good behavior after successful trips out like this. Nothing huge or over the top but a stop at the local ice cream shop after 4 straight weeks or watching a new movie with the family or a new coloring book are some options. Pretty much anything that will let your child know that this is the right behavior and it is appreciated.

Grab And Go But Don’t Play

Ok so there will come a time when you have to practice what I call the grab and go technique. This is when the child becomes inconsolable or has a loud outburst that you just can’t get under control quickly. In this case you have to simply grab them and go out. The grab and go is important but what you do when you go out is equally important. It’s the tendency of many parents to go out and let them just play with toys or run around to get the wiggles out, but this sets a bad precedent actually. Your child is smarter than you realize and if when they don’t behave the way you expect they get to go out and play are you sending the right message? They’ll quickly learn that all I have to do to get out of this place is to act like a little terror and I get to go play! When you take them out, stand by the windows that let them see what’s going on. Keep the same expectations of quiet and calm as you did when they were sitting inside. Then when they calm down and the atmosphere allows it, bring them right back in.

I get it. None of this is easy. You’re going to have to work at it pretty hard. But it’s not impossible by any means. Parents across time and space have been doing this and fighting the same battle you’re fighting right now. Stick with it. If you need a hand, ask for some help from those around you who’ve been through this stage of parenting. You’ll be surprised at how much collective wisdom is out there!

Like Talking To A Brick Wall!

September 16, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Parenting is often like herding cats or trying to wrestle a greased pig. NO I’m not calling your child a household, wild or farm animal! But as a parent it’s easy to find yourself beating your head against a wall at times because you’re just not understanding your child’s needs, desires and heart.

I subscribe to several email newsletters and admittedly most of them are junk. But from time to time, I’ll come across a nugget that is worth sharing. Sometimes that nugget is simply forwarded to a friend or colleague, but today that nugget is the foundation of this brick wall message. Your child can be a brick wall at times. But what if I told you that there was a way to understand the way your child hears allowing you to better communicate with him or her?

The newsletter is from a group called Parent Cue. Some of there stuff is really helpful. As a matter of fact, we have a set of books from them on the shelves at the church I serve as pastor. They operate under the assumption that there are stages in a child’s life that they call phases. These phases are based on age and do make some assumptions but largely these hold true across the board.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the phases and a very brief summary on how to communicate in each phase. The goal is to help you stop hitting your head against the wall!

Preschool Phase

This phase is exactly what you’d expect – the time when your child is before or in preschool. The markers of this phase are all things learning. A child in this phase is learning what he or she can do. They’re testing the boundaries of who loves them, what love is and trying to figure out what happiness and sadness mean. Everything is new to them so be a place where they can come for safety. Help them feel loved and let them feel free to show who they are and be emotional. My favorite phrase suck it up buttercup won’t work well in this phase!

Look I get it. In this phase your child will make mountains out of every obstacle. They’ll cry when something doesn’t go their way. But be patient and understanding. Help them see that tears are ok, sadness has its place and frustration is at times appropriate. But help them navigate these feelings with words. Show them how to feel sad, happy, angry, worried with words instead of explosions of emotional hurricanes.

Elementary School Phase

Yep another easy one. Actually, these phases aren’t really rocket science in their naming. And most of us who’ve been parents for a while will see the communication strategies for each phase and think this is silly talk. But when you’re in the midst of a crying tantrum or exploding teenage emotion box you might not have access to reasonable communication. It’s best to have these on standby at all times.

The elementary school phase deals with our children as they navigate the challenges of growing up. They’ve learned a lot already and like little sponges will continue to develop and soak up everything around them for these years. But for these years you’ll need to know that approval and attention mean the world! Now the challenge is who will give them the attention they need.

At first you will be their hero, but quickly in this phase you’ll see that their peers and even their bullies will holder a louder voice in their lives than you do. Your child in this phase will start to compare herself to her friends. He’ll want everything his buddies have. When talking to your child in this phase, use a calm and quieter voice. Be on their level…literally. Don’t stand over them and talk down to them. Instead crouch down to talk to them at their eye level. Another really important part of this phase, that I am not great at by the way, is positive reinforcement. Praise them for getting things right. Remember a lot of what they’re doing is somewhat new to them. The world is a hard place so be the safe haven they need! Be your child’s biggest cheerleader and let them know it!

Middle School Phase

In middle school your child will become a bit of a stranger to you. A friend once said that it’s in the teenage years that it appears as of aliens have taken over our children’s bodies. If you’ve never had a middle schooler, you’re in for a treat! And I don’t mean that as bad as it probably sounds either. Parenting a middle schooler is going to be a challenge but not impossible by any means. It’s a largely rewarding experience actually.

A middle schooler is all about testing boundaries and bucking authority, and since you’ve been the number one authority in their lives until now you’re the one they’re disagreeing with the most. But it’s not just you they are questioning. As a matter of fact they are second guessing everything in their lives, including where and with whom they fit in.

In this phase your child will likely not be as talkative as she once was. He won’t tell you everything that’s going on in life. You might have to coax some thoughts and conversations out of your child in this phase. This is a great phase for mentors to be introduced into your child’s life. Surround them with people who will bring a good, and if you’re a follower of Jesus, godly voice. You want to give them space but also be the safe place for them as well.

High School Phase

By the time your child hits this phase you’re either ready to throw in the towel or throw a party for yourself that you made it, or maybe both depending on the day. Your high schooler will be exerting a ton of independence, and if not they need to be. You don’t want your child to grow into an adult who can’t adult without you around. Cherish all of the moments you have with your child because this phase quickly transitions to the most emotional phase of parenting.

Your child here is looking for purpose, direction and trying to answer the age old question what am I going to do with the rest of my life. Don’t add pressure in this one. Don’t make your child be the high school star you weren’t or follow in your all American jock footsteps. Your child is not a younger version of you. They are their own person. A young man or woman who will become something potentially far different than you. And that’s perfectly fine!

A huge shift has happened in your parenting from the preschool days to now. They once needed someone to trust, and while that’s still true, the most important thing for them at this phase is that you trust them. Show them that you trust them. They need to know that you’re listening and that in spite of their dumb choices and at times inappropriate actions you still love them.

You will want to remind your child in this phase that while they are soon to transition away from home living they always have a place to call home. This is hugely important. When my wife and I moved to a our new to us home, we decided on a home that had enough space that our children could come back anytime they wanted/needed.

Ok so these are four of the key phases that cover much of the life you’ll experience as a parent. As your child is now back in school and navigating the struggles of friends, teachers, classes, homework, college prep, potty training, throwing sand in the sandbox or being bullied in the halls – your child needs your unconditional love, endless support, and verbal accolades. You only get one shot at this. Don’t miss even one opportunity to love on your child. They fly the nest before you even realize it.

Time to Fight!

August 22, 2022 / / 0 Comments

In my previous post, I referred to a book that basically addressed the three things every man needs in his life. We called those a battle to fight, an adventure to conquer and a beauty to pursue. These ideas come from the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. If you have a guy in your life, whether husband – boyfriend – child or dad, I do recommend this book. If you’re raising daughters, I still recommend this book so they know what a man looks like in a world filled with boys.

The first thing a man needs in his life is a battle to fight. I know that sounds a tad morbid and maybe a little pushing the envelop too much but I definitely agree with this in my own life! Just look at how we live or lives as men. We love to fight. Not fist fight or beat someone up or shoot someone. I don’t mean we’re all evil villains or anything like that. But something happens in a man when a fight presents itself.

Again, before we get too far into this, remember this is not a gender bashing seminar. I’m not talking men over women or anything like that. This is just a way to look at the men in your life and understand a little about what makes us tick. There’s a companion to this book which I’ll be reading next and I’ll give a similar summary for women. This is not saying that women can’t fight or don’t have a fight instinct. I know plenty of women that seem to enjoy a good fight from time to time. But the inner workings of a man need a fight.

So it’s time for war then right?

Not so fast. That’s not exactly what we’re talking about with fight. The idea of a battle to fight is embedded in most every video game boys gravitate toward. It’s written on the hearts of the boys who all they want to do is join the military and defend (read fight for) their country. It’s written in the instincts of married men to defend and fight for their families.

There are some outliers here but at the heart of every man who desires to be a man is the need to fight for what is in their life. Fight for their wives and children. It’s why if someone breaks into our home in the middle of the night, we jump to see what’s going on instead of throw our wives out in front of us. It’s the fight instinct that is built into men.

I believe that’s part of how God designed us and if we’re not living up to this instinct and fighting for our families, then we’ve abandoned God’s design for our lives. Essentially we’re not really men anymore.

This fight instinct is what drives most men to work harder. It’s what makes them want to beat the car beside them off the line at a red light as if they were in a drag race. It’s what makes their heart race and blood pressure swell when they see someone in danger.

There’s one drawback however. Most of the time the man inside is a bit of a pansy. And by that I mean most of the time men pick the easier battle to fight and run from the one that takes more time and effort and energy. This is why some guys fall for porn or extra-marital affairs. It’s because they don’t have the guts to fight hard enough. Being married isn’t easy. Not sure who ever convinced you it would be, but it isn’t. Two different lives are blended as one. That doesn’t sound easy to me at all! But it’s not just marriage. It’s virtually everywhere in life. Doing what’s right is generally the harder task. Dieting isn’t easy. Eating healthy isn’t easy. Exercise isn’t easy. Creating a healthy mental routine isn’t easy. But it’s all necessary!

So what then?

Whether you’re a guy or you have one in your life who you call husband or son, there are some things you might want to consider.

  1. Don’t try to tame the wild heart. All too often we tell our sons to be more gentle or to calm down or don’t get so worked up. Sorry but no. That’s just not going to cut it. Men need to be able to be wild at heart as the book title demonstrates. We need to be able to swell up and fight when the time is right. Don’t make tame what God created wild.
  2. Learn to redirect. The issue with most boys is that they don’t know how to direct their excitement or passion. Their instinct to fight hasn’t been honed yet so most boys don’t know how to fight appropriately given the circumstances. Teach your sons not to calm down but how and when to be excited. Show them what it means to be controlled even in the throws of a battle. Teach them what it means to fight for what is worth fighting for and not fall for the lies that will end up leaving you empty when pursued.
  3. Be present. We’ll get to this one later but the best thing for a boy becoming a man is to have a dad who’s present fighting for them and their mom. Boys learn from their dads by what they say and what they do. So dads set the right example. It’s far too easy to run to our work, hobbies, other interests. When you’re home, then be home. Don’t take your parental task lightly.

So it’s time to fight and I mean really fight for the things and people in our lives we care about. If it’s hard, don’t back down. If things get challenging and we think it should be easier, don’t take the easy way out and run. Don’t give up just because you’re having a hard day, month, year or even decade. Be a man and fight. Do the hard work. Put in the hard time. Fight because that’s what you were made for! Anything else is giving in to the wimp that Satan wants you to be.

Boys and Guns

August 16, 2022 / / 0 Comments

I still remember the day we sent my sons to stay with my in-laws over night. I wasn’t nervous about them going or worried I was going to miss them too much. I mean my in-laws did a pretty good job raising their three daughters. They would be just fine. But that’s what got me. Three daughters. My boys are not daughters. They are boys. And they were just at the age where they were really intrigued with playing with toys.

Whether it was racing toy cars around or building with blocks, they loved to make things work. It was just who they were. But they were going to a home that had only seen girls. All girls meant all girl toys. Now don’t get your panties in a bunch or anything. I wasn’t afraid if they played with a doll or something they’d somehow change identities. I just was a little concerned that they didn’t have anything to play with is all. But was I ever surprise…

Boys have something that is born into their DNA. As author John Eldredge explains in his book Wild At Heart, males have three things they need. They need a battle to fight, an adventure to conquer and a beauty to pursue. No one has to teach a male child any of these things. They just kind of happen.

Battle to Fight

Ever wonder who came up with the ideas of hockey, football, even golf? They were dudes. They were men who needed to fight something, even if it was a tiny white ball in the middle of the grass. Getting out there and smacking a ball into oblivion somehow spoke to the battle sense of a man. You don’t have to teach a male child how to fight for what’s right. And you really shouldn’t try to teach them out of that fight instinct either!

The idea of having a battle to fight and having men willing to jump into that role has kept us in a safe place in the greatest country the world has ever seen. Men needing a battle to fight is what took one of my sons into service in the US Army. Needing a battle to fight is what saved that weekend at grandmas too.

You see when we picked them up, I was amazed at what I saw. Both of my boys were playing with Barbie dolls. But not exactly how one normally plays with dolls! They had them contorted in some way to make them look like guns. They, without any provocation or enticement from anyone, took the dolls and folded their arms as a handle. Then made the noises of guns. We didn’t have guns in the house at the time. We didn’t watch war movies or really much of anything but Veggie Tales in front of them. So where did they get it? A need for a battle to fight. It was born into them.

Adventure to Conquer

Eldredge says that men need more than just a good fight. They also need to find adventure in life. We’ll pick these apart a tad more in the next couple of weeks, but the gist is that men like to find new territory. Climb to new heights. Make things into an adventure. Just look at how boys play. They build forts. Have wars to fight. Even the video games that most guys grab are all about adventure and battle.

Beauty to Pursue

Ladies this one is for you. Men have an innate desire to fight for, protect and provide for the woman in their lives. Now as a guy, I can admit we don’t always do it correctly. But the idea is there. We want to provide for the family. We will do anything to protect our wife. We wouldn’t trade that for the world, well most of the time. Again, we’ll hit on how this goes awry in a future post.

There are some key things that make men who and what they are. These three ideas are some of the basic elements of what it mens to be a man. Please don’t read this as all men are like this, because there are some outliers. Also don’t read that no women have these same desires or abilities. The purpose here is to see how a man’s mind is wired. It’s a fundamental part of how we were built.

And, as a follower of Jesus, I think this is very much part of how God designed us to live in his image. But we can hit that topic another time. For now cherish the “man’ness” of that guy in your life. Don’t try to stifle what appears to be a violent streak when he talks about war or gathers his arsenal for the zombi apocalypse. Don’t get worried when he looks for adventure around every turn. And remember that his goal is to pursue the beauty in his life. Sometimes that doesn’t look how you might want it to but if he’s logging extra hours and making sure there’s cash in the bank to have that great vacation you’re wanting…yep that’s likely part of this pursuit.

All in all, men don’t need to be taught how to be men as long as there’s a strong male influence in their lives. So dads don’t slack on this one. It’s time to log off the computer for a bit, come in from the shop, set aside some real time to be with your family. Whether you’re a dad of boys or girls, they need to see what a real man is like around the house.

We See You

March 25, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you might just slip through the cracks. It’s never been your style to flaunt yourself for anyone. You have never tried to get your name in lights. Not even once. You’re quiet and unassuming. Yet you’re there whenever we need you. You don’t want attention and probably wouldn’t approve of this post – so I’m not asking. But I think it’s important for you to know that we see you.

You played the part of nurse when we were sick. You bandaged our wounds and made sure we had the right treatment for any illness we met. You didn’t ask for accolades but we see you.

You were there when we made the wise choices that you asked us to make. You praised us for doing things right. You celebrated our wins, even when those wins weren’t anything all that spectacular. You were the first to clap at our concerts or recitals. You were the biggest, proudest smile in the crowd. Even though you never wanted to stand out, you should know we see you.

You were there when our choices were less than wise, some would say downright stupid! Your discipline was firm but gentle, if that’s possible. Your reprimands were more communicated through disappointment in our choices than a harsh laying on of hands. Yet through the disappointment, we never doubted your love for us. We see you.

You’ve been care give many times over now and that’s an exhausting task. Whether it’s helping through a post surgery recovery or guiding loved ones through the pains of Alzheimer’s, you were there and it seems you’re at it again. The task of caring for someone else can be exhausting and a seemingly unthankful task. Everyone asks how the patient is doing, but we see you.

The work you do and the things you say impact so many people. It’s like a rock dropped in a pond whose ripples echo out seemingly forever. This is how your love for us and those around you has impacted so many.

The days and weeks ahead through dad’s post surgery recovery might not be what any of us asked for, but we all know one thing for certain. God gave us a gift in you to watch as you handle these challenges. We’ve learned a lot and, even as we are grown, are still learning even through yet another round. You will get tired. You will grow weary. You might even ask if anyone cares. So let me remind you now – Mom, we see you and we love you.

Grief Sucks

March 22, 2022 / / 0 Comments

We’ve all experienced it. We’ve all seen it. Felt it. Went through it. We’ve all had the taste of loss put in our mouths. Maybe the loss of a loved one to cancer. Maybe it was the loss of a job. Maybe we didn’t get the promotion and feel as if we lost out on something big. Maybe it’s the feeling of loss we have when a child moves out of the house. Maybe it’s the loss of a friend or even a spouse. All of these losses cause us to go through a time of grief. And to put it mildly, grief sucks.

Grief sucks because it’s hard. Grief is hard because there’s no clear cut path to make our way through it. And when we’re in an uncomfortable place, our number one priority is to get through it. We don’t want to be in a challenging situation any longer than is absolutely necessary. Grief is no different.

Everything around us tells us that we need to get over our grief. Sure people don’t say that but when you listen to their words, it’s pretty evident. We don’t like being around crying people because we don’t know what to say or do. So we try to give some feel good platitude that makes us feel like we’re doing something, but it really isn’t helpful in the least to the person grieving.

Grief is hard because it’s like quicksand. When we fall into grief, the more we resist it the more it sucks us right into its awful grasp. We become so tunnel visioned on the loss and the pain associated with it, that we can’t see anything positive around us at all.

Grief is suffered in moments, but is meant to be lived out in stories.

Think about it for a minute. The last time you were in a place of grief, what was your focus? It was the loss and only the loss. We become so tunnel visioned that we can’t see beyond the loss and the feelings of pain and abandonment associated with grief. It’s as if grief is all that’s left in life. But grief isn’t the end of the story, at least it doesn’t have to be.

When we realize that grief is acceptable and that there are stages of grief that allow us to move through it and not get trapped in the middle of it, we can soon see the power of baby steps. First of all, don’t hear what I’m not saying here. Grief is not something you need to get over. But you do need to move through. We all need to make progress walking through the darkness and loneliness of grief but we don’t do it alone.

As a pastor, I look at life a little different than some. I believe that grief has a very important purpose in our lives. Grief is a way to check ourselves on what’s important. Grief helps us see who and what is around us to walk with us through challenge. Grief, although awful, doesn’t get the final word.

I’ve suffered some pretty significant losses in life. From losing two grandparents in less than a year, to losing close friends, having to close a church and leave the people behind that I loved dearly. Loss is hard. It sucks to be honest. But grief is part of a story that is being written, but it doesn’t have to be the final chapter.

Another way to look at grief is to not let it have the final word. When we keep staring our loss in the face, day in and day out, we’re letting the pain and loss and grief consume us. The moment is becoming the story. It’s as if grief is getting to put a period, hard stop at the end of our joy. But that’s not healthy and it’s not even true!

Grief isn’t a period. It’s a comma. The purpose of a period is to show an ending. The purpose of a comma is to help you pivot to a new line of thought taking into account what just happened. This means that the loss you are experiencing right now can lead you to something next that could only be experienced with the taste of grief in your mouth. I know that’s hard to swallow because we just want it to end, but that’s not how grief works.

Grief has to run its course. For some it’s days. For others it takes months or even years. You’ll never get over the loss. But you’ll grow through the grief. The point is simple. Don’t let grief have the final say. Don’t let grief be a period where God intends a comma. Don’t let the moments of grief prevent you from experiencing the fullness of the story of your life. Grief sucks, but it’s not the end of your story.

Please note: if you are suffering from a loss and feel massive burdens of anxiety and depression, I would encourage you to find a professional to help you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone who can help you process the grief and find healthy tools to aide in coping with the weight of grief. You’re not in this alone.

My Give a Crap Meter Is About To Break

January 27, 2022 / / 0 Comments
Too Much Compassion? - Here 2 There

Alright I’ll apologize at the outset here to anyone who gets offended easily. However, if I’m being honest, knowing that you’re still here you probably means you don’t have super thin skin. I don’t think I have to tell anyone in our world today that life is hard. We can’t do the things we used to do. People tell us one thing then do something totally different. You pour into someone with your time and energy and love and support then they turn around and slap you in the face or turn their back on you when you’re in need. And this is beyond taxing!

There’s a very real thing happening in life right now called compassion fatigue. It’s what happens when you constantly care for others and have no one there to care for you. It’s what I call my give a crap meter is broken. And for complete transparency when that meter breaks I’m a bear to live with because it impacts how I care for everyone. When we invest in someone and they turn around and live like we don’t matter at all, it depletes our ability to care for even those close to us. We start to wonder if everyone feels the same way as that ungrateful person. We act more guarded and jaded and honestly we start to be less friendly to our real friends and family.

So if you’re one of those people who receive the care from someone but don’t show any gratitude, it’s time to fix that one. Don’t be a jerk! If someone is there for you and supporting you and lifting you up throughout life, then make sure you don’t turn around and kick them out when they’re having a hard time. Ok off my soap box because those are rarely helpful. Now for a couple of positive things to help protect yourself.

How do we combat compassion fatigue?

Surround yourself with people who care. I know this sounds like one of those ridiculous and superbly obvious statements. But you’d be surprised how many times we surround ourselves with people who suck the life out of us even when we’re empty emotionally and spiritually. Take an honest inventory of your friends and see who is really there for you when the crap hits the fan in life. Who are the ones that are there when you are hurting and broken? Who are the ones that check in to see if you are ok? Who are the ones that just show up? Who are the ones who don’t make it about themselves?

Set clear boundaries. This one is huge and I can’t stress it enough. You need to know when enough is enough. You need to know when someone is using you for their personal gain and not in the friendship for any mutual benefit. Boundaries don’t have to be the same for each person either. You just need to make sure to give yourself space to heal and recover from constantly being “on” for other people. You matter too!

Space to refuel is critical. So I’m not a big sit by a fire and read a book kind of guy, although a fire sounds good on this 5 degree day! Consider what you can do to fill yourself back up. Some like to get a massage. Others go for a walk. Maybe go out for a night with friends with no agenda. Workout. Go for a run. Drive around the outer belt, not during rush hour of course. Go on a vacation. Turn off your phone for an hour. Go play in the snow with your children. Dive into the bible or a good devotion book. There are a million things you can do to recharge a bit, you just have to be intentional. The point is that you can only pour into someone else what’s being poured into you.

Stay resilient. I always thought resilient meant never giving up or always pushing through. But the definition, according to the interwebs, is able to recover readily from a misfortune. Now that’s a pretty good one! We need to be resilient when working with people who are in a time of need. They’re going to say and do things that will hurt, but be resilient and bounce back. Don’t take it personally if a person who is in crisis doesn’t seem overly friendly. Give them space and take your own space then come back to make sure they’re ok. The point of resiliency is that we need to be flexible with those around us. If we’re super rigid, the second something goes wrong we will break. And no one wants to break.

This is not an exhaustive list of ways to combat compassion fatigue. These things are intended to hopefully help you see that you do matter. To someone in your circle you matter more than you know. Even if you’re beaten by the world and feel abandoned take time to look around and see who’s in this mess with you. If you’re empty, lean on those people. You won’t regret it.

Do you know who your real friends are?

January 6, 2022 / / 0 Comments
60 Best Friendship Quotes - Cute Short Sayings About Best Friends

As I was driving to the gym this morning, I had the chance to listen to one of my frequent podcasts. This one has been a regular for me the past 2 years. The topic was all about what we’ve learned in 2021. It was kind of the wrap up podcast for the year. The podcast guest was talking about the challenges of life he’d experienced in 2021 and something really stood out at me.

He said that he’s learned who his real friends are and who his seasonal friends are. He described the difference between real friends – those who are there for you no matter what, and seasonal friends – those who are there as long as you have something they want or need then they leave you as soon as you’ve fulfilled that felt need.

Wow. I have to say that was a pretty hard knock on the chin as I listened. I think I’ve felt and probably been both of those kinds of friends. Now some key take aways for me from this podcast, and how it has applied to my life. The speaker was a pastor so understand he is speaking from a perspective that I can very much relate to. As a pastor, it’s hard at times to fully invest in every relationship that comes my way. There are times when I have to honestly tell people that I just can’t invest a ton of time into a new relationship at the moment. I know that sounds weird but we only have so much capacity and I am becoming increasingly aware of my limits. With age evidently does come some element of wisdom. You can keep your comments to yourself here thank you very much!

Friendships take time and effort to be certain and a real friend is one who understands that these efforts have to be reciprocal but not always equal. The speaker on the podcast went on to say that throughout the past couple of years in his church, he’s lost several people he thought were real friends. Some left when things got challenging. Others bailed when they didn’t like how he handled a certain situation. And some just quit communicating altogether for reasons unknown to him.

I think we’ve all seen this to some extent or another over the past several months and even years. Maybe you’re the one who’s lost friends like this? Maybe you’re one of those who’s abandoned a solid friendship for something that is more to your liking in the moment? No matter on which side of this you land, know that relationships are a two way street that take effort which ebbs and flows over time.

The distinction between friends who are there for you until they get what they need then leave and those who are there when you have nothing left to offer was intriguing to me. Have you ever experienced that? Someone seemingly receives the encouragement, support, companionship and help from you for a period of time – then they vanish like the cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland?

I know this is a hard statement to hear and even harder to apply but don’t take it personally. If you’ve lost friends in this way, know that sometimes God has to remove some things from your life to free you up for new things. Not always better things but there will always be something new around the corner.

I think that many friendships will last beyond our apparent usefulness. There will be those people in your life who will always be there regardless of time and distance and even you ability to be helpful to them. Some of our friendships are just that solid. I know that I have several of these kinds of friends in my life and I value them highly. But we’ll also have some friendships that will be around for a season, then vanish like the fog as the sun rises. I value these friendships as well. All of those people who come into our lives are there for a reason. They are present to teach us something about life, friendship, and even ourselves.

To those I call friend thank you for being a part of my life in any variety of ways. To those who’ve come and gone, you’re likely not even reading this but thank you for the ways you’ve supported and influenced me through life. I value each of you for who God made you to be and the impact you’ve had on me.

As I grow older I realize that real friends who are there through thick and thin are much more valuable than I ever thought possible. Cherish the ones you have! Pour into those relationships because they are more precious than the finest gold.

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